Trevor's birthday

One May 26th we had Trevor's 17th birthday. Birthdays are never easy for Trevor because he doesn't like change or surprises and birthdays are both of those things. Over the years we have learned how to make birthdays easier for him. This year we had friends over but they know him well and know we don't make it chaotic and don't ever sing the Happy Birthday song. In the morning I asked Trevor what he would like for his birthday lunch when the friends would be there. First he said Pizza then he said no actually he wasn't sure. Then I ordered pizza anyway since the time was passing and our friends would be here soon. Thankfully Trevor then decided that pizza was the right thing. We had pizza with friends and then I was going to do the birthday cake and Trevor said he didn't want it then. Well I needed to be able to give some to our guests so I asked him if it would be OK to cut it in half, give his friends some cake and save the other half for when he was ready, thankfully Trevor agreed to that. After the pizza and cake we left Trevor to play computer games with his friend while the rest of us went to the lake for awhile and then visited Kiwi's puppies. We later had Boy Scouts. When we got home at night Trevor finally felt ready to have his birthday gifts. Then shortly before midnight, when I was about to fall asleep, Trevor said he needed to blow out his candles and have some cake before midnight, while it was still his birthday. So with the friends long gone home, the younger siblings asleep and Bobby still at work I brought out the cake for just Trevor and I. He blew out his candles and I guess made a wish. It wasn't a typical birthday but not a terrible one either. With autism you just never can predict how things will go. I have had 17 years to learn how birthdays and holidays can work for this particularly AS kid so it's gotten easier. I know not to take it personally if he doesn't want his gifts at all. I know how to keep things toned down and not get upset that his version of fun is not what most people's idea of fun is. With autism you have to throw away all the usual expectations and be happy with the little bits of joy you get. We've had birthdays and Christmases where Trevor wouldn't come out of his room and said he didn't like his gifts at all. We've had holidays where he surprised us and joined in well and we got to have those happy family moments. This birthday was in between and I will always treasure the fact that he wanted that little bit of celebration. The fact that he let me take a picture without making it impossible to get a good one (just needed one re-take because he wasn't "ready" so looked down for the first one). And that he asked to blow out his birthday candles before midnight.

Trevor at 17, don't take the picture YET I'm not ready!

Trevor graces me with just one looking up picture. Although he needed to wear the cap due to the bad haircut I recently gave him as he has never been able to do the barber or hairdresser but boy did we try.

So what of the future? Trevor at 17 wants to learn how to drive and his younger sister, who has been counting the days until 15.5 which is when they can learn to drive in our state, will soon be old enough to start learning too so they can do that together. Trevor has been very diligent with his education and has most of his must do courses out of the way. Trevor has no interest in getting a job yet, while his younger siblings wish they were old enough for a job. Trevor is learning several languages at once and making up his own language. For the next year or so I will encourage him to follow his interests with his learning. I will help to guide him further toward community college or work and will remind myself constantly that although he is not a typical 17 year old he will get there in the end. Long ago soon after his first diagnosis on the autism spectrum I watched some material, probably by Tony Attwood, about spectrum kids and heard that they tend to be "young" for their age. In the childhood years as much as 2/3rds of their own age, for instance a 10 year old might be 7 developmentally. I don't think Trevor is only 13-ish developmentally but he is a little young for his age and will probably start college a little later than typical but just because we have to do an extra year or so of high school it doesn't mean he will never get there maturity wise, it just might be later.

I can also remind myself of the positives of autism. AS kids aren't like typical kids but they often have less of the "bad" stuff that comes with the teen years. Trevor has no interest at all in alcohol, drugs or smoking or even drinking soda -it's not healthy and if it's not healthy he will not do that! Trevor doesn't give in to peer pressure, he cares far too much about what he wants to care what everyone else is doing or wants or is wearing. He doesn't slack with his school work because he knows he needs to do it and be done so he can move on to what he wants to do. He is a very black and white thinker, I need to do X to do Y ie: graduate high school, get a job, earn that video game...he will simply do X to get Y. So in some ways he's my easiest child now that we're past the younger years and the regular meltdowns. So I'll wait and see what happens in the next year, one more year until my first child is officially an adult!